• I desperately want to be accepted
• I am afraid of not winning this battle
• I have a hard time with the concept of forgiving
• I smile all the time because I don't know what else to do
• My eating disorder is not the problem; it's the symptom of my real problems
• Sometimes I just want you to listen, not talk, not interrupt, not offer advice or suggestions. Sometimes all I want is you to sit there and listen and to feel like I have been heard
• Sometimes the weight of my sadness is bone-crushing, like the pressure of water down deep
• I hurt myself because it's the only feeling (pain) that I can stand to feel
• I am terrified of not being a good enough mother
• At the start of the next day, before I even brush my teeth, I ask God to help me stop myself from hurting either myself or anyone around me
• I'm deathly afraid of growing up and dealing with all the things a grown-up must think about, even though I'm technically an adult
• There are so many things I wish I could say
• Words and actions hurt me even though they weren't meant to
• I cry when you hug me because of the emptiness and pain I know I'll feel when you finally do let me go
• I am so incredibly mean to myself. I wouldn't talk to any other person on earth the way I talk to myself
• What I want right now more than anything is love from myself. If I had more self love, the criticisms, the negativity, the thoughts, the low self-esteem, the self-doubts would all cease
• I sometimes need your help, but I'm not sure how to tell you this
• I really do care about you, more than you could even imagine
• I cry when no one is around
• I don't like the eating disorder, I just am having a hard time disliking it
• I felt too ashamed, too dirty, too embarrassed and too scared to tell you that I couldn't cope without hurting myself
• I want to make a difference in the world
• I am unable to see my potential right now but it helps me to hear you when you tell me it's there
• I'm afraid to know myself and understand my feelings and wishes
• As I'm smiling and laughing, I have voices screaming and degrading me in my head
• I blame myself for the sexual abuse
• My family is more dysfunctional than I like to admit
• I believe that everyone's flaws should be accepted and forgiven except for mine
• I'm always in a state of obsession. My mind is always going a mile a minute and my ED is ALWAYS berating me for something. I never have a moment of pure peace or silence in my head
• I'd love to escape to somewhere by the beach, eat, drink, dance, without a care in the world
• I lied my way through treatment and I'm now paying the consequences
• I feel there's an empty hole in me
• Some days I feel like the old me & it feels so liberating  
• I feel guilty about all the pain I feel
• I hate, absolutely hate, feeling vulnerable and I will do almost anything to avoid it
• I feel nothing most of the time and I wait to see your reactions before I know how to respond/reply/react myself
• I am really sensitive although I appear unfeeling
• I'll lie to everybody to keep them from being hurt or from hurting them
• What you say sometimes hurts
• Sometimes I feel like I don't belong anywhere and I feel like an alien and that I don't belong in this time because my outlook feels so foreign
• I don't like myself right now and I need support, but then when I get that support, I'm scared to let go of it again, scared that I'll lose it
• No one could berate me more than I do myself
• I hate being needy
• I am a scared girl wishing I had a dad that genuinely cares
• Without this mask I don't really know who I am
• I'm not trusting of anyone
• The ED was the only constant in my life, the only thing which felt unchanging regardless of what external events happened. The ED was the only guarantee, the only certainty, the only thing loyal to me throughout everything that came my way
• I wish that I didn't hate myself but at the same time, I don't know how it would feel to like myself
• I am so afraid of being in an intimate relationship with a man, and I fear I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life
• I'm afraid I won't be a good mom
• The bigger my smile, the larger my pain  
• I always feel like a burden but usually I hide that
• I don't want you to give up on me
• I have big dreams and wish that I believed enough to make them become a reality
• I don't even know myself
• I want to love my father, but I cannot figure out how
• For years, I longed for someone to know my secret, in the hope they'd stop the pain and stop me from hurting because I didn't care enough about myself to stop myself
• When I do something stupid, and remember it later, the "me" in the memory always looks fat and ugly
• I have no confidence in myself or my abilities
• I struggle to believe in myself at times and fear being hurt by criticism but I am courageous and don't shrink back from those things I am gifted at
• I will not show that I am mad at you. In fact, I probably won't even feel mad at you, unless someone else reassures me that it IS something to be mad about
• I want to find something that will make my parents proud of me
• I love you even when you don't think I do
• I pray that I will still be able to have children someday
• I'm so, so sorry for all the times I lied to you
• I am scared to death because I don't know what to do with my life and I cannot cope without direction
• I need help believing in myself
• I am trying my best to hold on to my faith and my belief in God
• I don't feel that I deserve your unconditional love
• Even when it doesn't look like it, I am trying, and I'm doing my best in the moment
• I won't ever measure up to what I’m supposed to be
• I'm scared that this will kill me

This is a poem i wrote not too long ago: My Life                                                        

I sit & think & wonder why
  I have to live instead of die 
The world seems dark, hopeless, a curse 
And everyday the cuts get worse 

With every ache & pain i hide  
The endless nightmare will not subside  
I treasure nothing but the blade  
Hoping one day the tears will fade    

It takes so much just to smile  
When thinking of carving all the while 
The hallway down the path of life  
Causes nothing but madness & strife 

Because everyday just get longer 
As i get weaker instead of stronger 
I'm sick of pretending, the laughter is fake 
But how many risks am i willing to take? 

I don't feel satisfied with cuts anymore  
Inside i am empty, i just want more 
I always seem to feel the need  
To starve myself, to cut & bleed 

This is my story, now you know  
My life feels like hell, should i just let go?

Sometimes i seriously do wonder if i should just let go. I think if I'm going to have to live like this, with this depression, disordered eating, cutting, sadness, fear, self hatred forever then what's the point in life? Am i really going to be able to get over this, because i have been trying for over 5 years now and its really not any better. Yes physically i am better. My weight is just at an ok weight and i'm not passing out anymore, but the underlying issues are still there. The emotional issues that won't go away that never really got fixed are there and they haunt me every single moment of every single day.